Sometimes, I would like for someone to make decisions for me so I wouldn't be the one responsible for whatever happens next. Yes, I believe that God directs are steps, that He is almighty and sovereign. At the same time, I will be the first to admit that lately I'm terrified to take a step.
What the H am I walking into? What in the world will my life look like if I step in this or that direction? What will I miss if I don't walk this way or that way? What will I have to let go of? What will I gain/lose? What hats will I be wearing here or there?
The questions are forever long.
At one point the direction was clear...and it turns out that now it isn't so clear. Why isn't it? Is it a distraction? Is it a closing door? Is it the pressure to build character (sweeter wine)? Why do I feel SCARED to go in either direction?
There's a hymn that says: Trust and obey for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
The thing is that I don't know what direction is "obedience."
I've asked for wisdom. I've sought counsel. The only response I get is: It's between you and the Lord. Only you know what He's asking you to do.
It's like when I ask for advice from a superior colleagues after trying all the tricks I know...they say: You're the professional in the classroom. Only you know what's best for your students.
I would just like to scream from the rooftops:
I DON"T KNOW!!!
(I DON'T KNOW!!!)
(I DON'T KNOW!!!)
All I know right now is this:
- I am praying and asking for direction and I still feel so STUCK.
- I am exhausted. Like seriously, I want to cry like a kid without his nap.
- I have A LOT going on.
- I know I'm not the first person to be in this situation.
With all that being said, God is still on His throne and the world will continue to spin. I will be okay, but this waiting and indecision is killing me softly...